Motherhood: The letter that prompted an introspection

Within the blink of an eye my 2nd baby Serein has turned 8 years old. I often wonder how I am able to balance between my 1st baby – my daughter – and Serein for all these years. 

Last week as I landed back home after a few week long trip to a conference, a hectic trip to Bangalore and a short visit to my parents – I found two people waiting at the airport (one had skipped school and the other had skipped work). The picture you see is a card I received that day. 

That card led to a lot of introspection and conversations with my friends about motherhood, the demands of running a business, the constant sense of responsibility which doesn’t let you slow down and the effort it takes to push yourself both physically and mentally.

While raising my daughter, I have never liked using the word motherhood. My partner and I have always practiced parenthood—embracing equality in every aspect that there is. 

When I started my company Serein in 2015 my daughter was just 18 months old. Leaving behind an academic career that I had worked so hard for, including a Ph.D. from one of the top-ranked applied math departments at Brown University and working as a postdoctoral researcher in Oxford University and King’s College. It was a huge risk and a complete detour to say the least!

But, I took a leap of faith only with the strong belief that, if I was leaving my daughter to go to work, the work had to be meaningful and not a struggle where I had to go all out of my way to prove my worth owing to existing biases against women, especially new mothers.

When I started my company, my partner was also heading a startup. Many doubted and questioned whether we could manage our “3 new babies” all at once. It was not at all easy. But we did it.

My daughter grew up crawling under our conference room tables, scribbling on the floor, being taken care of by our colleagues and friends.  Yet, we always ensured she was never away from us and taken care of. 

Today, as parents we follow 3 golden rules:

Quality over Quantity Parenting

According to the Journal of Marriage and Family, family time may be best measured in moments, not minutes. Likewise, we always prioritise quality time with her. Whether we are taking her to her dance or drama class, or to the chess or cricket club or even simply sitting in a coffee shop reading together, we make sure to be fully present. We enjoy working together, we love talking to  her as a friend and even cooking together.    

And there are benefits too. It’s not an anecdote, research also shows that “Women whose mothers worked outside the home are more likely to have jobs themselves, are more likely to hold supervisory responsibility at those jobs, and earn higher wages than women whose mothers stayed home full time, according to a new study. Men raised by working mothers are more likely to contribute to household chores and spend more time caring for family members.”

Equal Parenting

My partner and I believe in equal parenting. When I travel to grow the company, managing multiple responsibilities and intense schedules, my partner remains flexible for our daughter. Likewise, when he was busy with his startup the last 9 years, I had taken over. 

This is also espoused here–  ‘Know that equal parenting does not mean that both of you do exactly half the work every single day. Some days one will do more and some days the other...’ With time, I have realised that it can never be 50-50, it might be 60-40 or 70-30 or 80-20 or 90-10 or sometimes even 100-0!

Geeky Parenting

Early on, we decided not to push her for academic excellence or pressure her to achieve milestones. We read academic papers on raising happy, well-grounded and most importantly, kind and content children. Whether she becomes a scientist or a cricketer (her biggest passion), we are happy as long as she works hard and is happy in the process. We will always have her back.Personal support is the cornerstone of my growth and the success of Serein. I am grateful for the unconditional support from my partner and my daughter. After a long trip away at conferences and overseas at work, coming back home to receive this note from my child at the airport made it all worth it for me. I slept peacefully knowing that both my babies acknowledge my dedication and appreciate me.